One Wednesday afternoon Mrs Woodstock and her favourite elephant called Bertie, were watching their favourite documentary about space and drinking large cups of tea inside her lodge-themed living room. She told her interior designer that she wanted it to be wooden and chic, however, they didn’t achieve the outcome she was hoping for. Therefore, she had to make do with what they left her with. Mrs Woodstock had just finished cleaning, and she had found her favourite candelabra, which she is planning on keeping out on standby for power cuts! After a long long documentary about space, she asked Bertie if he wanted to go and meet Barney for an afternoon stroll. Bertie said he’d love to, and offered to call him to arrange it. However, there was no answer. “There is always an answer at Barney’s house! Barney must have gone out and got lost – it’s the only explanation” Mrs Woodstock yelled whilst flailing her arms around. Bertie exclaimed, “We MUST find him!”
So off Mrs Woodstock and Bertie went, along their usual route to the park to see if they could find Barney. “I’m sure we’ll find him there! It’s inevitable” reassured Bertie. Along their journey they talked about things they loved, like Tesco and Poptarts. “I don’t understand Mrs Woodstock”
“What’s wrong Bertie?”
“Which is your favourite poptart flavour?”
“Why, it’s cookies and cream of course”
“So, why do you always buy strawberry flavoured ones? They’re so sticky, they get stuck in my ears sometimes.”
“Because they don’t sell other flavours apart from strawberry and chocolate in Tesco. Everybody knows that’s the only store I go in to buy my weekly shop”
“Yes, but I really think you should consider buying a different flavour”
“Why don’t you? You could use your pocket money to save up and buy your favourite flavour!”
“Good idea Mrs Woodstock.” Promptly, Mrs Woodstock smiled.
On the way to the park, Mrs Woodstock noticed a new passageway that she had never seen before. It enticed her, and as she walked through it, she could hear the sounds of a Celesta in the background; Bertie was humming a tune too. The temperature dropped and there was an icy gust of wind as they followed the petal filled pathway. Bertie didn’t even notice the Treeshoes.
“BOO!” shouted Escobar, “I can see you, you know?” Escobar was hiding in the strange and omnious forest.
Mrs Woodstock replied, “What!? Why are you attempting to assault me and my favourite person Bertie? Stop pretending to be a paedophile and get a job.”
“That’s a little bit harsh. I was only seeing if you wanted to play hide and seek”
“Well, we don’t, do we Bertie? No, no he said no, didn’t you hear him?” Mrs Woodstock said in a panic. “We have important business to attend to.”
“Oooh like what?”
“Erm, erm, a business meeting that doesn’t allow hedgehogs in the foyer”
“Oh right okay then, see you soon.”
“Uh…Yeah.” She half-heartedly sighed. So off Mrs Woodstock scuttled, grasping Bertie so tightly he struggled to breathe in her arms. Mrs Woodstock was so scared, she didn't know where she was anymore.
Out of the clearing, Mrs Woodstock was lead onto a beach full of enormous stones. She could see a green spec in the distance, and scuttled towards it. She saw that it was a dinosaur and let out a little screech, but after realising it was smaller than she was after scuttling a small distance further, Mrs Woodstock decided to go and ask him for directions. “Excuse me, I was wondering if you could help me and my friend get to the park, we’re sort of lost”
“Hahahahaha losers, Shibbyshixxosauras, that’s my name.”
“Okay, that’s great, but how do we get out of here?”
“Oh, just turn left.”
“Really?”
“Yes of course. Why. Would. I. Lie?”
“Dunno.” Bertie added on the end, in a weird high pitched tone. Off they went again, into the ambiguous depths of the woods.
“Oi you, Twinkletits, help me” Bertie heckled.
“Heeey, don’t be rude” Sternly added Mrs Woodstock.
“Shut up you, you got us lost.”
“Sorry about that, Shibbyshixxosaurus said that this would lead us to the park, and then it starting raining glitter, and this isn’t the park, and what the hell, why is there glitter. Why?”
“Calm down dude, take a chill pill” slurred Mr Tam-pony.
“Shurrup ladyboy.” Muttered Bertie.
“I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to take anymore pills, I’ve just come out of rehab.” Boasted Mrs Woodstock.
“Try some of this shit, Bertie!”
“No thanks mate, I’m not touching that. I don’t know where it’s been.”
“Okay well enough of this, we’re in a hurry to find Barney, remember?”
“Yip” added Bertie.
“So dudes, where’d you wanna go?”
“To the PARK! I told you, douchebag”
“What’s with all the anger, calm down, take a chill pill” This caused a very stern face upon Mrs Woodstock’s face. She really wanted some pills, but couldn’t face the cold lonely nights any longer.
“Yeah so all you have to do is turn left, just do it”
“Thankyou! I hope this is the right way, we’ve been lead on so many times today, I want to find Barney!”
“She wasn’t lying then.” Muttered Bertie.
“BARNEYYYYY WHERE ARE YOU?!”
“Behind you.” said Barney, nice and calmly.
“How long have you been here?” asked Mrs Woodstock.
“Oh, just a few days.”
“Oops! What have you been doing for all of this time?”
“You know, the usual, heroin, snap, Frisbee”
“Nice one, do you want to come for a walk?”
“Sure thing, senorita-margarita,” chirped Barney.
Off they went for a lovely afternoon stroll. They talked about their shared favourite television show Frasier, kettle chips and dancing. Barney was an old family friend of Mrs Woodstock’s. He always popped round to her mother’s house unwillingly, and mostly ate all of the brie or boursin. Barney had recently been employed by Tesco as a shelf stacker, and he loved it. He worked night shifts with the polish people, and learnt a lot from it.
As they all walked back through the treeshoe wood, Barney told Mrs Woodstock and Bertie about his nightshifts at Tesco.
“Yeah so one night, we were all drinking chocolate milk behind the warehouse, and it wasn’t even our break! Some of the bread shelves aren’t even stacked! I love my work!”
Mrs Woodstock wasn’t impressed, but Bertie was. It was getting rather late and Barney couldn’t be bothered to go home, as he had to go out later that night anyway to wag some more of his work. “So I was thinking…” sighed Barney.
“Yes?” asked Mrs Woodstock.
“Can I crash at your place for a few hours?”
“Yeah sure, that’ll be fun.” They walked all the way back to Mrs Woodstock’s house and sang some of their favourite jazz classics.
They went back home, had a few cups of tea and then decided to watch the documentary again. They watched it all up until Barney had to go and do his shift. Yes, it really is that long. Mrs Woodstock made sure she had her plasters on standby – as usual. They were so engrossed in the documentary that they didn’t notice the creepy hedgehog sneak in. He stayed there all night and watched Mrs Woodstock Sleep. He noticed that he could do this every night without getting caught, so he did. And he never stopped, until the day he died- crossing the road. Mrs Woodstock was none the wiser, and had probably forgotten all about the day when she took a detour. The creepy hedgehog is probably going to haunt her and watch her sleep for the rest of her life.
